Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
