I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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