I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
