I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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