i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
