as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
