I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
