I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
