I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
