1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
