she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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