Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
