I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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