my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
