I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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