Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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