My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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