I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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