A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
