wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
