Kiss
Puke
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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