It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
