I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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