i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
