She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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