I'm so fucking centered right now
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
