so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
