you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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