I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
