Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
pop tarts are not kleenex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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