I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
