Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
