I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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