Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
