You can't motorboat a personality
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
