If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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