i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
