I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
