I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
