you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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