im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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