I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
