Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
