I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
