Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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