I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
