Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
