she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
