I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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