I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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