The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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