I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
