You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize