these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
