The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
