Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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