So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
These tits shall not be calmed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
