I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
