I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
