So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
