Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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