how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
