How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
